a re-post from a half-forgotten blog...for kuya nikki :)
more than 31 days later
(posted January 31, 2009)
It's exactly 30 minutes past the hour of 12. it's already february 1. in another blog, i will write about how january went for me. in here, i will write about how it went with regard to mark.
it was without a doubt the longest january i ever had. the days were difficult and long. i have never yearned for someone's presence and have missed someone that much ever.
more than 31 days after i sent him that email about walking away, i find that i have not walked away at all. i'm still in the same place as before, maybe even a few inches deeper into him. i've prayed for him almost every day. those days that i haven't were days when i was sunk in depression, i could barely move. this is how i realize that hope has become a necessity for me. not an option that i can exercise or not exercise depending on whether i want to or not. i am impressed with the need to, as sarah mclachlan (my new guidance counselor) put it, do what you have to do.
it's a good thing i re-discovered her song. it's comforting to know that there have been people who have come before me and have loved as i have and have experienced what i have experienced. thus they can understand. and i am not out of my mind. well not completely anyway.
i have not texted him. but i have attempted to cheat a little. by opening my ym sometimes, trying to see if he's online. he wasn't. so nothing came out of it.
so mark, what was that about your status thing?
that really hurt a lot. now i don't know if i'll really ever be able again to think of you without feeling any pain. that was really the height of this depression thing. it's so painful to remember it, to think of it, to speak of it, to be haunted by it. i'm screaming inside in pain. i pound my pillow for release.
i can't even go on. ellipsis, ellipsis, ellipsis.
Happy new year. Best wishes for the new year, i pray for many more unos for you. Ngat sa paputok. God bless. Mark.
08:08:33pm
12-31-08
you have always been able to go months without missing me at all. without seeming to care a whit for me. and days without a single word from you have always been well, to put it simply - painful. and now, the pain caused by your non-presence has become an integrated part of my life. something that's always there.
you break my heart mark. but here i make another decision. since it looks like pain is going to be sticking to me like a shadow, i have to come to terms with her. i have to make friends with her.
so i throw my door open and let her in. and damn it, no matter how painful the long sharp knife she drives through my heart, cutting right through to my soul, i'll grit my teeth but i'll bear it. coz she might have something important to say. she might have a message or a lesson for me to learn.
and when her yoke drives me to my knees, through my tears, i'll be praying. i'll be offering it to my Father, bearing it with as much love and perfection as i can muster. it'll be a prayer for you.
i'll never forget you, you know. this and you are just too massively monumental to be forgotten.
so what have i learned from pain so far? that i love you. that i just can't simply walk away from you. that admittedly, i don't even want to not love you anymore. i don't want further deconstruction on that note. curiously, i wonder why you are so important to me. i speculate. how and why could you affect me so viscerally? of what moment are you to my life? why did God let you happen to me?
you have the potential to bring out the best and the worst in me. but though i lost my heart out to you, i still have some spheres of influence where my intellect and will are concerned. the ball is rolling in your direction. fine, i'll not put any stoppages. with my prayers, i'm already aiding it along. but i choose to make you bring out the best in me. because at the other end, the worst in me is NOT an acceptable option.
i'll let you be my strength. i'll let you be the best in me. and someday i'll thank you for this. i don't want this to go unsaid. if i should die tomorrow, i want you to know that if i am grateful to you for anything, i am most grateful to you for being who you are. for the decisions you have made in your life that you didn't know would affect me so profoundly. like when you chose to be responsible when you became an accountant, like when you chose to take on a more serious mien because the job description of a manager called for it. you did what was necessary. for choosing to study law at the age of 29, and for choosing to be un-grumpy about law when you're with other people though you have every right to be. for choosing non-violent language, for choosing intellectuality. for choosing never to say no to your sister, for choosing to be patient with your parents instead of losing it. and while these words pass over in silence over the coals and black stones you say you have within you, i say that these gems more than make up for it.
so there. goodnight mark. you know that i'll be praying for you.
Footnotes:
1) I don't really have a particular liking for the name mark but i needed to change the name here in order to...protect my heart.hahahaha!)
2) There is much to discuss and to contextualize but i'm in bellecroft right now and i need to be getting home so i'll leave this as is nalang.
3) to Kuya Nikki - i don't mean to share my pain...i just mean to share a snippet of my own brief encounter with something like love. la lang. :) more power!
4) RE: sarah mclachlan - i was joking a little there ha...la lang...wala kcing disclaimer na naka-attach na i'm not serious. and the song being referred to is "Do What You Have To Do."
(posted January 31, 2009)
It's exactly 30 minutes past the hour of 12. it's already february 1. in another blog, i will write about how january went for me. in here, i will write about how it went with regard to mark.
it was without a doubt the longest january i ever had. the days were difficult and long. i have never yearned for someone's presence and have missed someone that much ever.
more than 31 days after i sent him that email about walking away, i find that i have not walked away at all. i'm still in the same place as before, maybe even a few inches deeper into him. i've prayed for him almost every day. those days that i haven't were days when i was sunk in depression, i could barely move. this is how i realize that hope has become a necessity for me. not an option that i can exercise or not exercise depending on whether i want to or not. i am impressed with the need to, as sarah mclachlan (my new guidance counselor) put it, do what you have to do.
it's a good thing i re-discovered her song. it's comforting to know that there have been people who have come before me and have loved as i have and have experienced what i have experienced. thus they can understand. and i am not out of my mind. well not completely anyway.
i have not texted him. but i have attempted to cheat a little. by opening my ym sometimes, trying to see if he's online. he wasn't. so nothing came out of it.
so mark, what was that about your status thing?
that really hurt a lot. now i don't know if i'll really ever be able again to think of you without feeling any pain. that was really the height of this depression thing. it's so painful to remember it, to think of it, to speak of it, to be haunted by it. i'm screaming inside in pain. i pound my pillow for release.
i can't even go on. ellipsis, ellipsis, ellipsis.
Happy new year. Best wishes for the new year, i pray for many more unos for you. Ngat sa paputok. God bless. Mark.
08:08:33pm
12-31-08
you have always been able to go months without missing me at all. without seeming to care a whit for me. and days without a single word from you have always been well, to put it simply - painful. and now, the pain caused by your non-presence has become an integrated part of my life. something that's always there.
you break my heart mark. but here i make another decision. since it looks like pain is going to be sticking to me like a shadow, i have to come to terms with her. i have to make friends with her.
so i throw my door open and let her in. and damn it, no matter how painful the long sharp knife she drives through my heart, cutting right through to my soul, i'll grit my teeth but i'll bear it. coz she might have something important to say. she might have a message or a lesson for me to learn.
and when her yoke drives me to my knees, through my tears, i'll be praying. i'll be offering it to my Father, bearing it with as much love and perfection as i can muster. it'll be a prayer for you.
i'll never forget you, you know. this and you are just too massively monumental to be forgotten.
so what have i learned from pain so far? that i love you. that i just can't simply walk away from you. that admittedly, i don't even want to not love you anymore. i don't want further deconstruction on that note. curiously, i wonder why you are so important to me. i speculate. how and why could you affect me so viscerally? of what moment are you to my life? why did God let you happen to me?
you have the potential to bring out the best and the worst in me. but though i lost my heart out to you, i still have some spheres of influence where my intellect and will are concerned. the ball is rolling in your direction. fine, i'll not put any stoppages. with my prayers, i'm already aiding it along. but i choose to make you bring out the best in me. because at the other end, the worst in me is NOT an acceptable option.
i'll let you be my strength. i'll let you be the best in me. and someday i'll thank you for this. i don't want this to go unsaid. if i should die tomorrow, i want you to know that if i am grateful to you for anything, i am most grateful to you for being who you are. for the decisions you have made in your life that you didn't know would affect me so profoundly. like when you chose to be responsible when you became an accountant, like when you chose to take on a more serious mien because the job description of a manager called for it. you did what was necessary. for choosing to study law at the age of 29, and for choosing to be un-grumpy about law when you're with other people though you have every right to be. for choosing non-violent language, for choosing intellectuality. for choosing never to say no to your sister, for choosing to be patient with your parents instead of losing it. and while these words pass over in silence over the coals and black stones you say you have within you, i say that these gems more than make up for it.
so there. goodnight mark. you know that i'll be praying for you.
Footnotes:
1) I don't really have a particular liking for the name mark but i needed to change the name here in order to...protect my heart.hahahaha!)
2) There is much to discuss and to contextualize but i'm in bellecroft right now and i need to be getting home so i'll leave this as is nalang.
3) to Kuya Nikki - i don't mean to share my pain...i just mean to share a snippet of my own brief encounter with something like love. la lang. :) more power!
4) RE: sarah mclachlan - i was joking a little there ha...la lang...wala kcing disclaimer na naka-attach na i'm not serious. and the song being referred to is "Do What You Have To Do."
I love the way your write. Ang galing mo sa English. I wish ganyan din ako kagaling.
ReplyDeleteAnd about love. Wow and sakit! Ano pa nga ba masasabi ko? Kung gaano ka katindi magmahal, ganun din katindi ang sakit. Hay pag-ibig.
Ok lang yan. Sabi mo nga, people in the past have gone through the same thing. They survived. Kaya mo rin yan. Let go. Empty yourself tapos buksan mo ang pinto mo sa universe. Papasok lahat. Oo, pati pag-ibig. Hihihi. Ang corny pero totoo yan.
To us and to love. Cheers! (Sana one time, makapag-inuman talaga tayo.)
Nyek, Kuya Nikki, that's so funny. I've also thought of the same thing with regard to your writing. I've envied the cadence to it and the angles and the slant that you take to your writing. if that comment sounds ambiguous to you, i'd be glad to elaborate. i feel as though since this is supposed to be a comment, it shouldn't take the length of a blogpost. hahaha! (too late!)
ReplyDeleteoh and if your best thoughts occur while you are driving, mine come when i am about to drift off to sleep. very frustrating. haha! my best thoughts also come during the night. anyway, at one time or the other, it occurred to me to make 2 reactions to your comment above:
1. we should form a mutual blog admiration club if we want to! hahaha! membership fee: 1 case of red horse beer* per month for males; a month's worth of free-flowing margarita* for females. you'll be externals committee chairperson, i'll be memcom chair. hahaha! (*may be substituted for other liquors of choice)
2. regarding love - i have to admit, what i experienced was to a large extent really my fault, not the guy's.
2.1 mabait yun - the guy who is the subject of this post. it occurred to me nga that maybe if the two of you had known each other, that you would have been friends. haha! :) la lang...funny thoughts...
take care, kuya...thanks for your comment above!