because i feel existential tonight

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Photobucket

This comic strip is from xkcd. :)

Tonight has had me muddling over my internet habits. I looked at them closely and tried to be honest with myself. Why do I repeatedly do these things when it seems questionable how they lead me to productivity in life? I often open mercatornet, seth godin’s blog, other people’s personal blogs, mimi and jing’s twitter accounts, mariaressa.com; I google miley and taylor news, yahoo news…what do I do these things for?

Truth be told, I realize I keep looking for something. I keep looking for an answer. The answer to what? Exactly. As far as I can introspect, I realize that I seem to searching for an answer to the question of life. How do we live it? I’m searching for the answer to the question of my own life. And to my questions regarding my family. Why are we this way? I wish someone could help me make sense of it all.

I know it sounds trite, but I think I’ve been asking these questions since that time. I’m so disgusted with it already I don’t even want to mention the date. Was I wrong about the way I thought? Was I mistaken in my views?

So what is to be done? Where do I swerve? What turns do I take?

I keep searching and searching and though sometimes I find something, curiously, it doesn’t seem to affect me performatively at all (in the sense that it propels me to meaningful action).

And I also suspect that part of me doing these things is an escapism. Escaping from a family situation that I don’t understand. So I keep looking for an answer without even understanding the questions in my mind.

I can trace the first instance of this to the time I was watching Princess Hours. No, I did not find answers to the big questions of life there but I was pretty entertained.

And now that I realize this, what now?

I want to recalibrate. I want a new page. Sigh. Things are always easier said than done.

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