fixing me
Nanghihinayang lang kc ako sa ‘yo, Cor.
Lala told me. She wasn’t alone. When another of my bestfriends, Ghia, went home to Ozamiz, I felt that people were going to ask her about me, and I told her not to say anything.
Sure enough, they did ask. Marliz asked what I was now doing. Ghia answered that I didn’t have a job yet. “What? It doesn’t sound like Cory to be like that. Sayang naman,” she lamented. “Hindi napapakinabangan ang utak.”
It was one dewy Thursday morning when I was at work, and my contract was ending that very week, that I was talking to Jay, the 36-year-old Korean featured in my ‘a favorite day at work’ article.
I asked him how his day was and he told me about how his pregnant wife was at the hospital because of a certain pregnancy complication wherein the lower part of her abdomen was hardening when it wasn’t supposed to as yet in the stage she was in. (This was her first pregnancy, and she was Jay’s age.)
No one was cooking for him, and he had eaten just a banana or two for breakfast since the morning that his wife was taken to the hospital. He reported that his wife had asked him why he was eating just bananas when he could have heated and eaten micowavable food reserved in the refrigerator. “’Cause I was lazy,” he laughed.
And then he told me that the night before his mother-in-law arrived at the hospital to look after her daughter. Thus, he felt bold enough to ask his wife if he could go to a ‘meeting’ with his colleagues.
“Were you talking business with your colleagues?” I asked, after he told me that his wife had agreed to let him go.
“No,” he laughed again. “We were drinking.”
I laughed with him. I had asked if they were talking shop because of the way he spoke of a ‘meeting’.
And then I said, “Oh, by the way, I have some news to break to you.”
“What news?”
“I’m leaving the company this week. This will be one of my last classes with you.”
Suddenly, the joviality of just a moment ago appeared to evaporate.
“Wha – uh…” he couldn’t seem to say anything.
I couldn’t think of what to say either.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said. “I just got held up by some family conditions.” I tried to explain.
He had lapsed into silence. The seconds ticked away and no one said anything.
After a long while, he asked, “Who’s going to be teaching me English?”
“Oh, I’ll be sure to find you the worst teacher here in the company,” I said, putting a spin to the word worst, trying to joke.
He didn’t laugh. There was silence.
C’mon Jay, a thought run through my mind. There’ll be other teachers. But I knew it wasn’t the point.
C’mon Jay, another thought run through my mind. It’s not like there aren’t people who care about you in your life. But once again, I rejected entertaining that thought, knowing inside that that still wasn’t the point.
I had tried my best to sincerely offer friendship to the students who came my way and they sincerely felt it. They seemed to like being friends with me. I know because they’ve told me so. They considered me a friend.
The ten minutes passed and the call ended. I raked a hand through my hair then clasped my hands on my lap and stared at them.
I have to get emotionally well, I thought to myself. I’m letting people down.
I let Lala know about the latest developments of my job and she immediately arranged for her, me, and Allison to have dinner at SM North for some cheering up.
While we were sitting at dinner, Allison asked me what happened.
“They didn’t renew my contract,” I said.
“Why not?”
“Because I was late more than four times.”
“Why were you late, Cor?” Lala asked.
“Because I was late,” I replied flippantly.
“Why were you late, Cor?”
“Because work starts at 4:45 in the morning, and via taxi, I have to leave at 4. This schedule means I have to be sleeping by around 8 or at the very latest 9 in the evening, or preferably, even earlier than that. The problem is, I don’t want to go home. I drag my feet going home and I stay out too late.”
“Where do you go?” she asked.
“Bellecroft, Starbucks, mall…” I answered.
When dinner was over, Lala and Allison decided to check some shops for some things they needed but I detained myself and told them to go ahead and that I couldn’t accompany them. “I have to be getting home.”
“Are you sure?” Lala asked. “Allison’s ride will be coming. He can drop you off.”
“No, I have to be getting home,” I declined.
Later, that evening, Lala texted: Cor, are you okay? I’m worried about you.
I sighed heavily to myself. What was I doing? I was causing my friends so much headache. (And bringing so much censure on myself.)
I’m fine, I texted. Don’t worry about me. I love you.
A few days later, I finally came to the admission that I didn’t know how to fix things, that I didn’t even know how to fix myself, as I had resolved to do so so many times. I resolved to humbly place myself in God’s hands, look to Him in trust, and allow Him to fix His prodigal daughter.
Hold on, Cor. Maybe someday, it’ll be okay.
Lala told me. She wasn’t alone. When another of my bestfriends, Ghia, went home to Ozamiz, I felt that people were going to ask her about me, and I told her not to say anything.
Sure enough, they did ask. Marliz asked what I was now doing. Ghia answered that I didn’t have a job yet. “What? It doesn’t sound like Cory to be like that. Sayang naman,” she lamented. “Hindi napapakinabangan ang utak.”
It was one dewy Thursday morning when I was at work, and my contract was ending that very week, that I was talking to Jay, the 36-year-old Korean featured in my ‘a favorite day at work’ article.
I asked him how his day was and he told me about how his pregnant wife was at the hospital because of a certain pregnancy complication wherein the lower part of her abdomen was hardening when it wasn’t supposed to as yet in the stage she was in. (This was her first pregnancy, and she was Jay’s age.)
No one was cooking for him, and he had eaten just a banana or two for breakfast since the morning that his wife was taken to the hospital. He reported that his wife had asked him why he was eating just bananas when he could have heated and eaten micowavable food reserved in the refrigerator. “’Cause I was lazy,” he laughed.
And then he told me that the night before his mother-in-law arrived at the hospital to look after her daughter. Thus, he felt bold enough to ask his wife if he could go to a ‘meeting’ with his colleagues.
“Were you talking business with your colleagues?” I asked, after he told me that his wife had agreed to let him go.
“No,” he laughed again. “We were drinking.”
I laughed with him. I had asked if they were talking shop because of the way he spoke of a ‘meeting’.
And then I said, “Oh, by the way, I have some news to break to you.”
“What news?”
“I’m leaving the company this week. This will be one of my last classes with you.”
Suddenly, the joviality of just a moment ago appeared to evaporate.
“Wha – uh…” he couldn’t seem to say anything.
I couldn’t think of what to say either.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said. “I just got held up by some family conditions.” I tried to explain.
He had lapsed into silence. The seconds ticked away and no one said anything.
After a long while, he asked, “Who’s going to be teaching me English?”
“Oh, I’ll be sure to find you the worst teacher here in the company,” I said, putting a spin to the word worst, trying to joke.
He didn’t laugh. There was silence.
C’mon Jay, a thought run through my mind. There’ll be other teachers. But I knew it wasn’t the point.
C’mon Jay, another thought run through my mind. It’s not like there aren’t people who care about you in your life. But once again, I rejected entertaining that thought, knowing inside that that still wasn’t the point.
I had tried my best to sincerely offer friendship to the students who came my way and they sincerely felt it. They seemed to like being friends with me. I know because they’ve told me so. They considered me a friend.
The ten minutes passed and the call ended. I raked a hand through my hair then clasped my hands on my lap and stared at them.
I have to get emotionally well, I thought to myself. I’m letting people down.
I let Lala know about the latest developments of my job and she immediately arranged for her, me, and Allison to have dinner at SM North for some cheering up.
While we were sitting at dinner, Allison asked me what happened.
“They didn’t renew my contract,” I said.
“Why not?”
“Because I was late more than four times.”
“Why were you late, Cor?” Lala asked.
“Because I was late,” I replied flippantly.
“Why were you late, Cor?”
“Because work starts at 4:45 in the morning, and via taxi, I have to leave at 4. This schedule means I have to be sleeping by around 8 or at the very latest 9 in the evening, or preferably, even earlier than that. The problem is, I don’t want to go home. I drag my feet going home and I stay out too late.”
“Where do you go?” she asked.
“Bellecroft, Starbucks, mall…” I answered.
When dinner was over, Lala and Allison decided to check some shops for some things they needed but I detained myself and told them to go ahead and that I couldn’t accompany them. “I have to be getting home.”
“Are you sure?” Lala asked. “Allison’s ride will be coming. He can drop you off.”
“No, I have to be getting home,” I declined.
Later, that evening, Lala texted: Cor, are you okay? I’m worried about you.
I sighed heavily to myself. What was I doing? I was causing my friends so much headache. (And bringing so much censure on myself.)
I’m fine, I texted. Don’t worry about me. I love you.
A few days later, I finally came to the admission that I didn’t know how to fix things, that I didn’t even know how to fix myself, as I had resolved to do so so many times. I resolved to humbly place myself in God’s hands, look to Him in trust, and allow Him to fix His prodigal daughter.
Hold on, Cor. Maybe someday, it’ll be okay.
you're broken, cor. so am i, and everybody else. while you know that i can be awfully and unapologetically blunt, please don't think na you're letting me down, or allison, or even of how people think of you. you don't owe us anything. we're just here. walang dapat ipaliwanag. :)
ReplyDeleteperhaps this is how you were meant to start. sabi nga sa psalm 51, "the sacrifices of God are a... broken and contrite heart." a heart perfect for remolding.
thank you lala. I know...you know what, this was what I long thought of too, though I didn't know the verse that you gave me. I realized 2007 was sort of like that - God shaking the previous foundations of my heart and soul so that it could be set anew. So that what was old could make way for the new. I'm still so form-able pa...Anyway, love you, bestie...goodnight. :) (By the way, the blogpost was a thought of two months ago, medyo unwritten lang...that would explain things...:) )
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