She: an explanation

I think I feel the need to qualify my previous post. It feels slightly jarring to read something like that coming from me.

And I was the one who frowned upon Taylor Swift's Dear John song. I had opposed her putting it out on her CD, raising up an issue about the ethics of doing that.

Of Dear John, I had said, that she shouldn't have put it out because it caricatured Mr. John Mayer in quite an unfavorable manner. Although actually, she has never confirmed that the song was about John Mayer. Nevertheless, public speculation has practically confirmed it to be so; you can even wikipedia John Mayer and on the part with the header Personal Relationships, it is written there that Taylor wrote a song about him.

My point was that we should learn to speak well of others. And Taylor's song had given the general public the impression that John was a cradle-snatcher who played "dark, twisted games" on girls who love him so.

And here I am, basically doing the same.

So here's my explanation. I wrote it and I put it on the blog because I needed to do that. This blog for me is like putting a message in a bottle and sending it out to sea. It's a release and an outlet for me that way.

It's also because I don't like to be carrying around in my heart dark thoughts and heavy feeling and grudges or stuff like that but sometimes, they kind of need to be written down before being forgotten so that you could remember your reasons. Or else you might not recall why you did this, or did that, or why you went this way and not that. Meaning and/or significance can get lost. And how are we supposed to learn or advance in this life then?

Also, because I think of the future and wonder what if a significant other (smile) or a daughter might ask about this time and why it was so. And if I'd forgotten it or don't know how to explain it, how would I be able to make them understand how it was or why it was? How would I be supposed to give them a clue about me so that they'd be able to understand me and who I am and why I did what I did?

I remember when I finally couldn't take it anymore and spilled the beans to Clyde. I was falling apart and was needing a little help. And she tried to get me to explain it to her but I was very inarticulate and incoherent about it. And then she tried to get me to say in detail what exactly was said or what exactly happened, but I didn't know how to describe it. And I was one who could remember whole conversations or snippets of it and yet...there must have been something about it that my mind resisted, having immediately recognized something not good about the words or the situation. Moreover, I realize that I might actually be better at describing positive things than things I found to be located in the negative.

I remember how I tried to explain it to Clyde. I said, "It's like that song by Taylor, Clyde. The one we like - Tell Me Why."

She reviewed its lyrics. "Oo nga noh," she said. "Oh, so this was about her family?"

"No, it's about a boyfriend," I replied.

"But I thought you said this was how it was like!" she said.

"What I mean is that there are certain lines there in the song that describe it, since I don't quite know just how to describe it," I elaborated to her. I pointed her to certain lines: And I need you like a heartbeat/ But you know you got a mean streak/ Makes me run for cover when you're around.

And so it would seem that if I didn't try to think and write about it, how I'll explain things to others might run in the same vein it went with Clyde. I'll be explaining it like, "How I felt was like that song by Taylor, you know - Mean, Dear John, Cold As You, Picture To Burn..." Apparently, whenever Taylor's break-up songs play, I'm not thinking about a boy. Which is a good thing, I think. Hehehe. Boys are associated with positive songs.

And also, I think writing that has been cathartic for me. It freed me to somehow say to my subject: It's alright. You know, I still see the good in you. And we don't know everything. We're still un-knowing of certain things. I mean, there are still a whole lot of things that I don't know about, I guess the same goes for you as well: there are also lots of things you hadn't learned about.

So. This has been long. I end here.


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