the game

so, i'm here to share some bad news: you know that job i was talking about back in august? i didn't get it. i was hit kind of hard by that. i mean, i knew i shouldn't have expected it, but, at some point, because they had opened their doors a little to me, i kind of got my hopes raised.

with regard to my professional life, i had two plans: Plan A and Plan B. Plan A was get a foot in in the international community and then scramble to obtain a master's degree. i was thinking that i wanted to be in the international community first before i begin scouting for master's degree opportunities because i figured that when there, in the international community, i could meet people who could write me recommendation letters to more prestigious and hard-to-enter universities and programs or scholarships. moreover, they might have insider knowledge and information regarding such things. i was thinking of the different kinds of access that would be available for me were i to be there.

obviously, with my poor resume, setting for plan A seemed like delusional shooting for the stars. consider this: no relevant work experience, current work in no way in line with the types of jobs in international orgs or even with the industry itself, my post-graduate studies seem indicative of juvenile delinquency, my leadership experience harken back to a time that makes it seem prehistoric. anything good in my resume is a relic. plan A looks incredibly presumptuous of me.

which brings us to plan B. if the international community really will not grant me entry, then i will have to take a longer, more circuitous route. it entails the following: 1, getting a job with more relevant functions and responsibilities (relevant to job positions and fields of interest i have in mind to be working in in the future); 2, get a master's degree; 3, begin to create a spanking good resume of volunteer experience. those are the main points.

plan A is by now clearly a no-go so i have to go with plan B. i thought about the situation SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats) Analysis-style and was floored by how difficult it all looked. there were awfully few things that i could write under "strengths" and "opportunities" but the "weaknesses" and "threats" parts were looking horrifically jam-packed. i would have to work on getting more things listed under "strengths" and "opportunities". i need more muscle there and i'm foreseeing that it's all going to be a lot harder than i initially thought. i'm also beginning to guess that a natural consequence of such an effort will be that i will STILL not have much of a social life going on. and i had wanted a social life badly.

since i'm going down plan B, i'm looking around the bend as far as i can and, as far as i can see, there will be a lot of these things: pain, frustration, humiliation, loneliness, desperation, uncertainty, personal mistakes, and self-inflicted wounds that come from being imperfect and being human. like, i'm behind all of my peers and i'm quite all alone. i mean, i've accepted that, of course, but i'm going to have to be putting myself in situations where those things will feel all the more keen. and i don't even know where i'm going to spend Christmas this year. and it would have helped if i had gotten that "international" job this year because at the very least, with all the frailty and the dangers of life surrounding me, i wouldn't have had to still feel like a floating log in a vast ocean. but i think that this was what i had signed up for.

i think there's a huge possibility that it all might get unbearable for me at some point if i leave these things unmitigated, so as early as now, i'm readying coping mechanisms for myself. this is a serious undertaking because my life is at stake here but i can't take every single thing personally or else i'll be a goner so i'm making it a personal goal of mine to be irreverent. i think it is important that i should not take it all so seriously. i'm telling myself to still try to have some fun along the way. and i think i'm going to still be doing a lot of dreaming and daydreaming, if those things will help keep me afloat. so those two latter things are expected to remain - the trademark things that i do.

and i think i'm also going to go back to appreciating and chronicling the "little things" of life. i think i neglected them for a while there but it wasn't because i no longer appreciated them. it was only because the situation had changed a little. before, i had been suffering from depression and being happy with "little things" was one way of coping or else give over to the precipice. i could not try my hand at "bigger things" that time because the effects of depression kept me from doing so. now, i'm making my bid for them. thing is there are quite a number of mountains in the way. but no matter. that's okay.

game on.

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