holes

I want to make a change in my life. Don’t get excited, it’s on nothing big. Just an itty bitty teeny weeny tiny change actually. I want to arise on the dot in the morning when my alarm rings. I am a haggler when it comes to getting up. I haggle with the good Lord for a little more shut-eye, just a few more minutes, or I bargain it out of myself. And I’m proud to say I win almost every negotiation every time.

I’m writing about this now because for the first time, I realized a heretofore uncovered dimension for this unsavory practice of mine. I realized that it felt important for me that there would have been someone who cared about waking me up and whom I could count on to be tough about it when I am weak.

I realized that something so mundane may not really be as mundane after all.

President Barack Obama once spoke of how he had a hole in his heart (the size of the state of Miami, joke lang!) for where his father ought to be. He spoke of it in sadness, acknowledging of the fact that a father’s place cannot really be filled in a son or daughter’s heart except for that one person they call father. And upon coming across this, I had a moment of understanding with myself. That I have five holes in my heart as well – one for my father, one for my mother, and three for each of my siblings.

I realized that behind my habitual early morning negotiation lay a cry for the loving tenderness and affection of someone one calls family. Love and affection that you could always count on. Strength when you are down, help when you can’t help yourself.

And while I keep these holes in acknowledgement that only certain persons can fill them up, on account of the holes being theirs, I realize that I have to come to terms with my craving in a way that is peaceful, un-bitter, and accepting. So I write. Just to let some of it out. And I make peace with myself and tell myself that it’s okay. Tomorrow, I hope to haggle less. Tomorrow, I hope to get up on the dot.


References:

Feller, B., 2009. Obama Father’s Day Message: Dad’s Need To Step Up. The Huffington Post, [online] 19 June. Available at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/18/obama-fathers-day-message_n_217561.html [Accessed on 30 September 2010]