What Fs Feel Like

Today I feel awful. I feel haunted by a vague sense of a lack of direction. It’s compounded by another feeling – the feeling you get the time you let yourself down.

More than just awful, I feel dumb. I’m just not smart the way other people are. I have more misses than I have hits. And right now, I’m just one step away from being written off by the rest of the world.

Norman Mailer, a writer, once said that he doesn’t read other writers when he’s writing his own book. He said it makes him feel like he’d taken his own car apart and has its pieces all on the floor while a Ferrari goes riding by.

I agree with him. I feel that I'm kind of in the same situation right now and he’s right; it’s no picnic.

All I know is, however worse comes to worst, that I don’t ever want to become a bad person. There are things worse than being dumb or being called a dumb person. Like for example, when you are the one making other people feel bad that way.

Yes, it feels bad and I’m stumbling along the way and I’m wondering if this is life’s idea of training – building character. Because it feels like getting on a horse and falling off, and you have to learn not to cry and get back up and on that horse again. I guess it’s learning the art of brushing away tears. Because how do you learn to brush away tears if there are no tears to brush?

Perhaps this is for an unknown event that’s yet to happen in the future. Perhaps I’m meant to be brushing away someone else’s tears someday. Hence the need to learn the psychology, that I may be qualified.

So I write this out so I can write myself out of this. Rains can’t last forever, they say. This, what I’m doing right now, is marking. So that when the rains stop, and tomorrow’s rainbows come, I’ll know it’s special because in my yesterdays I cried.

The End.

Comments

  1. when'd you ever learn to ride a horse?

    ReplyDelete
  2. the time i tried to fit into my wardrobe to get into narnia...hihihi

    ReplyDelete

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